by Michelle Watson Canfield, PhD, LPC
During the past 15-plus years of working with fathers and daughters, I’ve grown to understand and appreciate where you dads are coming from. What I continue to hear from men is one of two responses:
- Tell it to me straight with as few words as possible. (Get to the point!)
- Tell me what I need to do to fix it.
With those insights in mind, I’ve created a list of some specific things that dads should never, ever, under any circumstances, say to your daughter. EVER.
Remember: your words will likely echo in her head and heart for her entire life. She will never forget what you say about her, what you believe about her, what you see when you look at her, and what you tell her is true about herself.
Here’s the list of what NOT to say to your daughter:
- You are one high-maintenance girl.
- You have always been the most needy of all our kids.
- Why do you always make mountains out of molehills?
- You look like you’ve gained weight. (Especially harmful if you give her a nickname that emphasizes her size.)
- You got yourself into this mess, so don’t come running to me. You have no one to blame but yourself.
- Stop crying. You’re being a big baby.
- Do you know how utterly ridiculous and nonsensical you sound right now?
- Pull yourself together. When you can talk rationally and clearly, then come talk to me.
- Go talk to your mother. She’ll understand you.
- I gave up trying with you a long time ago.
- How on earth do you ever expect a man to want to be with you when you act like this?
- You are wearing me out. I don’t know how much more of you I can take.
- You drive me crazy.
- When are you ever going to start acting your age?
- You’re a spoiled brat.
- I have no idea how you have any friends with the way you act. The real you comes out at home.
- You are a selfish b#%*. Can’t you ever think of anyone but yourself?
- In my house you will act the way I tell you to act.
- Shape up or ship out.
- Do you want a taste of your own medicine?
- What did I ever do wrong to have to deal with a daughter like you?
- You are a big disappointment to me.
- You are a disgrace to this family.
- God must regret having made you.
- Why can’t you be more like your brother/sister?
I know it’s probably hard to imagine a dad actually saying any of these things to his child, but sadly, I’ve heard many of these examples during conversations with real-life young women or their fathers. Sure, we’re all human and sometimes we get emotional and say things we don’t mean, but I hope this is a clear reminder of how much long-term hurt and harm these words can cause.
Dad, if you’ve ever said any of these things, go today and make amends with your daughter. It’s never too late to make things right. You may think that she’s forgotten what you said because it was a long time ago, but I assure you she hasn’t—even if she says she doesn’t remember just to make things less awkward.
Humble yourself, go now, and ask forgiveness. It will release both of you.
Let today be the day when the words you speak to her, from this day forward, are only life-breathing and not anything like the above list.
This is one area where failing to say or do something means that you’re at the top of the class!
(I won’t leave you hanging. Here’s my follow-up blog on Things You Should Keep Saying to Your Daughter)
Read more from Michelle at fathers.com here.
Dr. Michelle Watson Canfield is a licensed professional counselor of 28 years, founder of The Abba Project, a 9-month group forum for dads of daughters (ages 13 to 30), and author of Let’s Talk: Conversation Starters for Dads and Daughters and Dad, Here’s What I Really Need from You: A Guide for Connecting with Your Daughter’s Heart (both available on Amazon and Audible). She also hosts the award-winning “The Dad Whisperer” Podcast, which you can access on her website and on Apple+, Google Podcasts, and Spotify. Visit drmichellewatson.com for more information and to sign up for her weekly Dad-Daughter Friday blogs. You can also follow or send feedback on Facebook, Instagram and Twitter.
