There’s a truth all fathers know. Maybe dads-to-be are getting a sense of it, but new dads are bumping up against it every day. Veteran dads definitely know it, but maybe it’s been so long for them that they’ve forgotten. What is it?
Fatherhood changes everything.
When you have your first child, you know the world is forever different but it takes some time before you realize just how different it is. You have this new little life who needs almost constant attention and care. Her well-being is the top priority in your home. Your eating and sleeping schedule no longer matters—only hers does.
There’s another truth that most dads know to be true, but not all dads realize that it’s true, and some dads continue to fight against it for many years—much to the detriment of their fathering.
Some might even say that grasping and embracing this truth is one of the “secrets” of fatherhood. (And if we were going to slot it into one of our research-based 7 Secrets, it would likely fit best under Commitment, which is the strongest indicator of effective fathering.)
Fatherhood changes everything. And one of the best pieces of advice to any father is, “Get used to it,” because that mindset leads directly to the second big truth:
It’s not about you.
What does that mean for your fathering? It means that some of the biggest and longest-lasting battles you will face as a dad are related to your priorities.
For most guys, fatherhood was the first time we truly had to start putting someone else’s needs ahead of our own. Even if we have lived our lives trying to think about others’ needs, we’ve always known that at the end of the day, we could do what we want. If we are married, ideally we’ve taken some positive steps toward being selfless and thoughtful in that relationship, but having a child takes it to another level.
The days of doing what we want are mostly gone now. And if any expecting dads think they’re prepared for that, they aren’t. They can’t be until they’ve gone through it. Nothing in our lives is off limits when it comes to making sacrifices for our children.
Is it worth it? Unquestionably, in millions of ways. But it’s an ongoing adjustment and inner struggle for all of us.
Being a dad doesn’t mean you can’t steal a few moments of “me time” here and there, but you’ll have to be ready to give them up at a moment’s notice. Remember: it’s not about you anymore. And there are times when that can get very frustrating. Even if you accept the fact that making sacrifices is part of fatherhood, giving up something you enjoy because duty calls is not fun.
It will likely affect your freedom to watch the big game or the latest show you’re streaming, run out to the store at any time, focus on a project uninterrupted for a few hours, play a weekly round of golf or go on a 25-mile bike ride, eat a meal undisturbed, maybe even have regular alone time with your wife. And just when you think you’ve made all the adjustments you need to, you discover one more thing you enjoy that has to be put on the back burner because you’re a dad. And you’ll keep discovering more of them for years to come in your fathering journey.
Once again: your child is worth it.
But you’d be wise to expect some interruptions and be ready to put some things on hold for a season. When feelings of frustration show up, figure out how to deal with them in a positive way. Look at the big picture. Find joy in the little moments. Imagine doing some of those favorite activities in a few years when your son or daughter is old enough to join you. And know that this is part of you “growing up” as a father in some important ways.
Things are different in your life now, and that’s good. You’re an involved father, and that’s a blessing all by itself. It isn’t about you … it’s about your family. Bonding with your child during these early days of childhood—and getting used to these new priorities in the early days of your fatherhood—will pay off for years to come.
What was the most difficult adjustment you faced when you became a dad? How have you adapted and grown in the process? Leave a comment and interact on our Facebook page.
