Dad, do you find yourself “laying down the law” more than you’d like to? Maybe there’s a better approach.

Jerry is a partial-custody father who’s going through some big challenges with his 12-year-old daughter, who stole some hair color from a relative and colored her own hair, and she’s being irresponsible in other ways, including some problems at school.

To add to Jerry’s frustration, his daughter’s mom takes a softer approach to discipline that he doesn’t agree with. So, as with many parents in these situations, they aren’t working well as a team when it comes to their daughter.

There are some aspects of being a divorced dad that make this even more challenging, but these essential principles apply to just about any dad. And it starts with this question:

What’s the ultimate goal with your child?

Is Jerry’s biggest issue getting his daughter to shape up and behave better? There may be something deeper going on in their relationship that’s influencing her. Does she know she is loved? Does he demonstrate that love and speak love into her life regularly? Can she trust him with her deeper thoughts and feelings?

Dad, are your fathering efforts more about winning day-to-day behavior battles, or winning your child’s heart?

You’ve probably heard the classic parenting wisdom that says,

“Rules without relationship lead to rebellion.”

It’s an important concept all parents should keep in mind, and it may be even more relevant for fathers in complex situations. Those dads often need to go the extra mile when it comes to building a relationship based on mutual trust, respect, and a commitment to the very best for the other person.

That isn’t easy, but dads who have that foundation can influence and motivate their kids more than dads who just lay down the law and expect compliance, better behavior and a good attitude.

Jerry knows his daughter will go to her mom’s house and the rules will likely change; her mother could take a completely different approach to their daughter’s issues. And it doesn’t really matter whose parenting style is better. If they aren’t working together, then it’s going to be very hard to see positive results with their daughter.

So the big insight for dads is this:

Find more effective ways to influence your child’s character.

If Jerry works to build a stronger relationship and his daughter learns to respect and trust him, then she’ll be much more likely come to him with questions and issues, even if her mom would be more likely to give her what she wants. She trusts that he really does have her best interest in mind and that his advice will be solid.

Yes, rules and standards are important for your children. But maybe more important is your consistency in how you treat them, keeping promises, and showing that you care. And they learn that you aren’t a killjoy, but rather an available, caring and positive force in their lives. You look forward to spending time with them and you hope they do, too.

Focus first on relationship.

Show your child that you’re trying to do what’s best for her, out of love, not just to win a battle or teach a lesson.

How have you seen it helpful to work more on the relationship with your child than the child’s behavior issues? Share what has worked for you with other dads on our Facebook page.